i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
