Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
