I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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