I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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