White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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