he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
