Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
