I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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