I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
