How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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