pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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