the new term for farting is butt boxing.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
