someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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