my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
