mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
