My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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