so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
My balls are so social today.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
