Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
