hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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