All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
