ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
