i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
