So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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