wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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