I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
