I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
