I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
