A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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