your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
