booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
