Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
