Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize