Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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