This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
