So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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