just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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