dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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