omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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