i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
