I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
