well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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