checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize