this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
