So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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