Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
