my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
