hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
