Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
