I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
