I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
