You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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