I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
