I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
