Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
