ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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