last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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