____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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