I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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