I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
