You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
