"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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