My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
